Runnin’ (Lose It All)

Dear Diary,

Sometimes it takes a moment to sit down and realise something. It can be anything. I forgot to email someone. I left the light on in the other room. That man was really mean to me today. I don’t think she likes me. Then there’s the really did thoughts. The ones that make you see things differently, feel differently.

There was someone in my life, when I say in my life I mean on and off. Like Jack in the box. Never knew when he would pop up but when he did, you can say I didn’t mind his company. We would smile and laugh and the things is we have a lot in common then the questions followed… Where are you? I’ve been calling you? Wouldn’t admit it but I’ve been missing you.

The chase began and those memories did begin to turn to dust. Was there a point? Did I just waste my time.  The thing is I kept going back and trying because I’m so used to giving people chances. The voice in your head tells you to stop but then your heart tells you go on. Maybe this time. Then it sinks in and goes right down the drain again.

I can’t keep putting people or things ahead of me that don’t or shouldn’t matter. I don’t matter to them so what’s the point? The only person it is hurting is myself. That is one person I don’t want to lose. If I keep forgiving and never forgetting what that person has done to me, then I’m just going to allowing myself to keep doing it for the next person and the person after that.

I’m ready to let go. I’m ready to stop running from myself. The self that’s telling me what I should have done a long time ago. This is the thing I’ve been running for so long and kept on saying I was through but this is it. This is final. 

He could have chose me, I mean I don’t want to be your number one at least top 10 would be nice. Even to be considered at all. I’m choosing me and quite frankly I think that’s enough.



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